I hate when this happens. I feel very much as if I do not belong to anything... or any one thing... or to anyone! Its the worst feeling when you can't cope with the idea of feeling very much alone!

And it's stupid!! Why... because I am not alone at all! I have friends that care about me... that want to hang out... that wish to see me and be a part of my life as much as I wish to be a part of their lives...

I have grown a group... from nothing to 75 followers and growing weekly!

I belong to another group where I am at least 50% liked!

I have many people that are interested in being with me to some extent... so my love life is not really dead at all...

and yet... for some reason... I hinge my feelings of connection on one or three, maybe 4 people... and when those people do not respond as expected... I feel lost?

It is annoying to say the least. Perhaps because it means that I have feelings for certain people or type of person or persona. It makes me feel weak, inferior, powerless to know that my day and the atmosphere of my week can be breached by such trivial human feelings. I mean... I am nearly 90% robot. That damn 10% of me that still has to have feelings... curse it I say!

I have a plan and direction for my life. It may just seem that today, it is not moving as I would have expected or as quickly as I would like it to. Each day seems like another day further away from my goals rather than towards them. Again, in part due to my sudden connection to my emotional side. I must not give in to emotions!! Each time I do they become my downfall... they are my achilles heel... my soft spot... they are that which breaks me down and causes me to become weak, feeble, and worst of all, mistake prone. Feelings tend to cloud my judgment, make me think the impossible, and worst of all, make me crash the hardest. Oh how I wish to not have feelings ever, but I seem to be only able to control them and keep them at bay 90% of the time...

If only I could harness the other 10% for when I have a moment like this...